The letter stood innocuously on the table, unopened. Naina looked at it uncertainly every time she passed by. Its familiar monogram smiled back at her in a vain effort to break through the passivity of the observer. It was an invite for the annual alumni meet at St. Michael’s High school, her alma mater. Like every year she decided to ignore it
“You cannot keep thinking of what happened ages ago,” her mother finally said “You have to let go. Besides, it’s been a long time Naina. I am sure nobody remembers anything of what happened.”
“I do, Ma” she said her voice breaking “and that’s all that matters”. She found it strange, but it still managed to create a catch in her throat every time she spoke about it.
“20 years is a long time to keep blaming yourself for an accident, Naina,” her mother said gently.
Naina winced as she heard her mother say the word “accident”. That word scared her. Everyone said it was an accident. Everyone including James. He ensured everyone thought it was an accident. Over the years, even she had begun to think it was an accident. She was happy to think of it as one. It was only the nagging voice deep within her that forced her to think otherwise. It would keep her awake every night as it poked her soul till it bled raw asking her the one question she dreaded answering – “Was it really an accident, Naina?”
She decided its time she found the answer to the question.
It was still dark when Naina switched on the ignition and waved to her mother. Despite her objections, Naina had decided to drive down to the school. It was simply her way of delaying the inevitable. By the time light broke out and Meerut woke up to clog the roads with their bustle to start another busy work day, Naina was out of the city and on NH34.
It had been 20 years since she had left school and yet the route looked as familiar as if she traversed it every day. As she took the familiar bends, memories started flowing in.
She still remembered the first day when she had arrived with her parents to catch the Shatabdi to Dehradun. Her father was posted in Delhi then. The station was crowded with people moving in and out . Naina remembered wondering then if everyone around her would be travelling with her to school too?
They reached Platform 16 where they were supposed to meet Mrs. Mittal, the school coordinator. She walked up to them, a short portly lady with thick dark-framed spectacles and a cheerful face, and welcomed her as she ticked off Naina’s name in the list she was carrying. Naina stood looking around at the other students. Everyone seemed to know each other. As the girls stood chatting and the boys thumped each other boisterously on the shoulders, Naina felt scared. She was sure she would be the only one who did not know anyone in class.
“Students line up please! Prefects help the new students will you?” Mrs. Mittal had hollered over the din of the station chaos.
Soon Naina found herself amongst a whole bunch of other students as they lined up before a Prefect holding the placard that read “Grade 5”. They boarded the train compartment. Her parents helped her with the luggage then kissed her goodbye and stood waving as the train chugged out of the station. Naina felt tears pricking her eyes as she saw them become small dots in the distance and then finally disappear as the train gathered speed.
It was only when she had moved away from the window that she noticed there was another little boy sitting alone in a corner . He looked like a new student. His small square face looked sad as he sat looking around. Naina noticed he was in her grade as their T-shirts were of the same colour.
She smiled at him when their eyes met. He smiled back.
“Hi” he said. “I am James.”
“I am Naina” she said cheerfully.
“And I am Ruskin” a boisterous voice boomed from the berth above.
Both James and Naina had looked up to find a round jovial face smiling back at them. He was sitting cross-legged on the seat eating something from a stainless-steel container. His hair was short and spiky, and Naina noticed he had a small pot-belly that jiggled with the motion of the train. She suppressed a smile which seemed to encourage Ruskin. He swung out his legs and jumped down holding out his container for both of them.
“Want some?” he asked genially.
Naina peered in to find an assortment of Cheese straws and Nankhatais most of which had already been ravaged by Ruskin. Naina helped herself to one while James shook his head shyly. However, as they were soon to find out it was difficult to say no to Ruskin for anything.
Throughout the rest of the journey, Ruskin regaled them with anecdotes and jokes. Though she had a good time, Naina had found Ruskin a bit too talkative for her liking. James was, however, the quieter one.
She decided on a whim, as she got off the Shatabdi at Dehradun that while in Mussoorie, she was not going to bond with Ruskin. With James maybe but definitely not with Ruskin.
However, despite her reservations against bonding with Ruskin, Naina found it impossible to adhere to her resolution. It seemed as if the three were destined to become close friends and they did. By the end of that term, Naina Sethi, James D’Mello and Ruskin Dorabjee had become inseparable. The teachers named them “The Three Musketeers” and the three lived up to that moniker. They would sit, eat, play and even do their prep together.
Naina stopped over at a roadside tea stall. Smiling, as she thought of some of the scrapes they had got into, she stood facing the distant mountains holding the steaming cup. As she traced her memories of the years gone by, she found her smile fading and her face clouding over. She still remembered that night as if it was yesterday.
It was a week before their board exams and Naina was up late studying. Around midnight she saw the brief bling of a torchlight flash thrice on her window. The signal for the three musketeers to meet. Naina scowled cursing Ruskin for she knew it must be his brainwave. James would never be so irresponsible. She stepped closer to her window and looked down to notice the two boys waving at her frantically. She waved back and slipped on a jacket before creeping out stealthily so as to not wake up their dorm parent.
“What do you think you are doing here at this time of the night?” she hissed at the duo once she reached them.
“It’s all his doing,” said James looking accusingly at Ruskin, who was grinning broadly unperturbed at the glaring looks from Naina.
“The bugger wants to create memories now all of a sudden,” said James looking helpless.
“Sure. Memories are all we are going to have because soon we will be walking out of the school gates if we are caught out at this late hour.” Naina whispered back angrily.
“Oh, come on you two! It is our last year together. Let’s end it with a bang, shall we?” said Ruskin his eyes gleaming excitedly.
“You are going to hear that soon when Principal Sir boxes our ears,” Naina said exasperatedly.
“But Naina, I do think he has something good up his sleeve” said James, sounding excited all of a sudden.
“James!” said Naina shocked at seeing James join in this madness “have you lost your head too?” she said.
“Okay Miss Goody-Goody. Go back to your books if you are not interested.” said Ruskin giving her the condescending look that Naina hated.
“I never said I wanted to go back,” said Naina sounding hurt.
“If you don’t then stop sermonizing and follow me” said Ruskin beginning to walk.
The school was surrounded by a fence built to prevent truant kids to leave the premises. There were strict instructions to not loiter around in the dark. However, Ruskin could hardly be stopped. Together, the threesome had created a little secret opening at one point in the fence. They had camouflaged it excellently with shrubs and broken tree twigs to make sure nobody noticed. This was at an isolated part of the school grounds and nobody usually came here.
It was towards this spot that they were now headed.
One by one they had stepped out of the opening. Ruskin moved ahead followed by James who held the torch up for Naina as she had forgotten to get hers in the hurry. It was pretty chilly. The three wrapped their arms around themselves in a tight hug to keep warm as they walked.
After a short climb, Ruskin had stopped. He turned around smiling
“This is it guys!” he had said proudly.
“What is it?” Naina had asked sarcastically.
“Look around! can’t you see it, you silly bookworm?” Ruskin teased her mimicking her sarcasm.
James and Naina had looked up and felt themselves catch their breath. Even today when Naina relived that night she would remember the ethereal beauty that had surrounded them. It was a full moon night and the moon was a huge round copper disc. It somehow looked much bigger, appeared closer and was more beautiful than anything she had ever seen. Naina had clapped her hands in joy.
James suddenly slapped his forehead exclaiming.
“Of course. It’s the Supermoon! How could I have forgotten?”.
“Because you are a dimwit! Now come let’s create an everlasting memory of our friendship with the moon as a witness,” he said drawing a polaroid camera from within his pocket.
“Ruskin, where did you get that?” Naina asked her eyes widening in surprise.
“He whacked it from the Photography class,” said James grinning mischievously.
“Just borrowed it for a few hours. After all we do have marks for extra-curricular, don’t we?” said Ruskin winking at James.
“Now come on!” he said calling them to join him.
As Naina and James stood next to each other, Ruskin positioned the camera and came to stand behind them. Being the tallest, he always stood behind them while clicking photographs. The three of them smiled as the shutter button released.
It was then that it happened.
Naina heard the dry twigs crack as Ruskin’s shoe scraped the ground trying to find a grip. She felt his hands fumble on her shoulder as he tried to hold on to her for balance. She heard James shout but could not make out what he was saying. Before she realized what was happening, she saw Ruskin’s hand disappearing below the cliff. James had rushed forward hoping to catch hold, but he was too late. They stood calling out Ruskin’s name. All they could hear were their own voices thrown back at them from the surrounding mountains like a rude joke as they stood staring into the inky blackness of the deep ravine beneath.
Naina shivered as she got into the car. The temperature had dropped a few degrees, but she knew it was not just the cold. Every time she relived those moments, there was something she deliberately pushed aside. Something that was trying its best to rear its head, but she was adamantly pushing it down. Some element which though miniscule, had a large role to play in the whole episode. It was this nagging thought which refused to let her accept the incident as an accident. Today she knew she had to let that surface.
It was noon by the time she drove through the gates of the St. Michael’s High School. She breathed deeply as if to brace herself for what was coming. She walked through the familiar corridors and relived the days she had spent here. The building had recently been renovated probably for the alumni meet but it still held the same aura for her as it had on the first day.
Suddenly, on a whim, Naina moved towards the school grounds. She looked frantically for the opening within its fences, doubtful whether it would still be there. After a long search, she found it. She smiled thinking of what fun they had slinking in and out of this, undetected. The foliage had become denser, but the opening stood gawking like the mouth of a hungry animal. Naina walked through it following the trail up the little hillock. The place had not changed much. It still had the same dense growth of wilderness. The years had somehow preserved their little secret well. On reaching the top, she stopped short. She smiled wryly as she recognized the figure standing with his back towards her.
“James,” her voice was without any emotion.
He spun round on hearing his name. He squinted his eyes at first and then widened them when he recognized her.
“Naina?”
She nodded as she walked towards him slightly breathless after the climb.
James smiled. He had grown a beard and his hair looked a disheveled mess. His square face looked weathered and lined. His eyes had a tired look around them as if he had not slept for a long time.
“Long time huh?” said Naina . They both smiled at each other in a stilted way. Something had moved in their relationship after that night. A huge chasm was dug into the soil of their friendship. One which, for some reason unknown to both, neither had wanted to bridge. They never kept in touch after school and neither knew what the other was doing.
“Yes…long time,” said James. “I do keep coming to the alumni meet every two years. I have never seen you though. Where have you been?”
“Meerut,” said Naina looking at the distant mountains “I have joined an Architecture firm as their Project Head. What about you?”
“Oh…Nothing much. Been dabbling with real estate. I have set up my own firm in Delhi,” said James, walking up to stand beside her.
Naina nodded absent-mindedly wrapping her hands around herself as if for support. She turned to look at James. He was looking at the ravine below. His thoughts, like hers, was far away from the present. His face looked tired and beaten. Suddenly, despite everything Naina felt sorry for him. Her eyes grew moist and her throat dried up as she forced herself to ask the question for which she had come to find the answer.
“Why did you do it James?” she dug her nails deeper into her sides as her voice trembled with emotion.
James did not reply. She noticed his jaw stiffen as he stood looking into the ravine, its depths mesmerizing him with its deep dark secrets.
“I come to the alumni meet every year hoping I will meet you. Hoping you will ask me this question. But you never came.” He said slowly.
Naina turned her face to look the other way.
James looked at her and smiled wryly “I knew you guessed. I thought you would ask me. But you never said anything. And I never had enough courage to bring it up with you. In fact, I never had enough of anything. Isn’t it Naina? Never enough brains, money or looks. It was always Ruskin who had it. Ruskin who made you laugh, Ruskin who came up with brilliant brainwaves. It was Ruskin you turned to for homework. Never me.” His voice turned into a whisper drenched in years of hurt and guilt.
“James?” said Naina, looking at him with shock.
“I was possessed Naina. Possessed by my need to have you for myself. I could see I would lose you soon. I was willing to sacrifice everything, even my best friend for you.”
“James…I..I..don’t know what to say. This is absurd,” said Naina still unable to believe what she was hearing.
“I remember the way you were looking at him that night Naina. I don’t know what happened. Something snapped within me. I completely lost my mind. I…I…didn’t mean to…I never wanted him to…how could I …he was my best friend but…oh God! You don’t know what I have gone through these years. Every night I relive that moment. Every night I hear his scream. I wake up shouting thinking I am reaching out for his hand but realize I am only clutching at air.”
He turned around facing her “Will there be no end to this torment, Naina?”
Naina covered her face with her hands and stood still. She did not know what she should say to him.
James looked at her silently. He suddenly threw back his head and let out a dry, sad laughter.
“The bugger’s still one up on me, I guess,” he said as he wiped the lone tear trailing out from the corner of his eyes.
“James I..” began Naina looking up but she was unable to continue as she stood paralysed with what she saw. Her eyes widened in shock and she ran forward to stop him. But she was late once again and all she saw was the top of James’ hair disappearing beyond the edge of the cliff.
Naina screamed through her tears calling out for James in the endless pit beneath her entreating him to know she had never sought retribution.
All she could hear from within the deep darkness of the gorge and the mountains surrounding it were the echoes of her cries of contrition.
Cover Photo by Ave Calvar Martinez from Pexels
