When Love Came Calling

“Payoji Maine Ram Ratan Dhan Payo” the strains of the Bhajan filled her ear as Raka listened to her own voice in her mother’s ringtone. Meera’s love for the Lord shone through her clear voice that like her mother’s touched high notes with ease. At Raka’s last concert, Anuradha had recorded this song on her phone and had used it as her ringtone.

She looked up at the clock and wondered why her mother was taking so long to pick up the phone. Ever since her father had passed away, two years ago, Raka had tried to convince Anuradha to come and live with them. However, Anuradha had not agreed.

Alokesh and Anuradha were barely out of their teens when they had eloped. They lived in the same locality and were in the same college. Love bloomed quite naturally. Their families had objected and hence they had fled their homes to get married. Raka was conceived on their wedding night.

None of them were prepared for this sudden thrust of responsibility. The first flush of romance faded quickly. Soon Anuradha realized that life was not that poetic in the small ground floor apartment they had rented than what she had imagined it to be from the large first floor balcony in her father’s home. As for Alokesh, renouncing his books to start looking for a job was perhaps the worst nightmare that he could have imagined.
Therefore, life became a big struggle for both. Every day provided a new challenge. Arguments would flare up at the smallest of incidents. However, though their love faded, the marriage remained intact. Probably, the little life they had both created kept them together despite everything else.

She was born on a full moon night. Hence they named her Raka – the moon in its full glory. That was perhaps the last thing they had decided without any arguments.

Raka’s memories of her childhood and adolescence were mainly of her parents bickering and arguing. There were times when they would not talk to each other and Raka would be their mediator. There would be days when Anuradha, after a heated argument, would walk out of the house in a fit of rage. Alokesh would remain passive and indifferent. It was Raka who would go running after her mother and persuade her to return.

Individually, however, Alokesh and Anuradha were wonderful parents. In their own way, they made sure that Raka would get the best of everything they could afford in terms of education and quality lifestyle. All she missed was the feeling of togetherness that made a family special.

“Raka?”

Her mother’s sleepy voice shook her out of her reverie.

“Mom is everything fine? You sound a bit odd?” she asked with concern.

“No…its just that I fell asleep?”

“Now?” said Raka surprised.

“Why is there a problem with that?” Anuradha answered back wryly.

“Of course not…it’s just that you never sleep at this time…I was just wondering if everything’s fine” said Raka delicately, noting the familiar edge in Anuradha’s voice.

“So what do you think I should be doing?” asked Anuradha raising her voice “Has your father left me good enough to do anything? He has ruined my whole life. Never got a day’s peace with him.”

“Mom” said Raka rolling her eyes in frustration realizing her mother was in one of her bad moods again. “It’s been two years since Papa left us. Stop raking up the past. Why can’t you just forgive and forget?”

“Never!” said Anuradha “I will never forgive that man in my life. And don’t you dare defend your father, did you hear that? Where would you have been if it wasn’t for me? All his life, his books were more important to him than his family. How many school meetings did he attend? How many birthdays did he plan? Even now if you cannot acknowledge that, then do not bother to call me” she slammed down the phone angrily.

Raka sighed with exasperation. It was getting increasingly difficult to handle her mother’s mood swings. She realized she had to do something about it before it got out of hand.

At dinner, she discussed it with Prabhash. He was a sensible person and often came up with thoughtful ideas that worked.

“Let me think of something” said Prabhash.

A few days later, Prabhash forwaded a message to Raka while she was at the recording studio. “Check this out” his text read “Sangeet Academy is looking for a teacher to train adults. Sandeep’s uncle is the dean of the institute, he asked Sandeep if he knew anyone and he forwarded this to me. This might interest Mom.”

Raka read the advertisement excitedly. “This looks interesting.” she thought.

Anuradha, however, was not impressed. “Singing teacher” she crinkled her nose with distaste ‘Are you off our head?”

“Mom this is going to be a good change for you. Anyway, you are always complaining that you don’t have enough work.”

They were sitting in Anuradha’s living room. It was a small but tastefully decorated space with Anuradha’s unique aesthetic touch. She was sipping her coffee when she suddenly looked up suspiciously at her daughter.

 “Why are you suggesting that I go out to earn my living? Has the man left me nothing? Am I left on the streets? Tell me the truth Raka.”

“Mom” said Raka exasperated “Can you for once not bring Papa into everything. I am tired of you and your bickering. For god’s sake the man is dead. Let him rest in peace at least now.”

“Peace!” said Anuradha lifting her chin defiantly “Has he given me any peace all my life?”
“Sometimes I wonder why do I even bother to talk to you” said Raka as she picked up her bag and left in a huff.

Anuradha sat still for a while sipping her coffee in silence. Then her eyes fell on the advertisement that Raka had taken a printout for her to read. She fingered it gingerly and slowly picked it up. As her eyes moved over the details, her mouth slowly curved upwards  in a smile.

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Vishwasrao Kelkar prided in his Institute that he had built from nothing. Born in the famous Kelkar family of musicians, he was destined to be a great musical genius. Instead he had decided to help talented young people, who did not have the advantages of birth or affluence that he enjoyed, to reach the pinnacle of their musical journey. The Sangeet Academy was a result of that. He always ensured that his academy sparkled with the brilliance of gifted students under the tutelage of talented teachers – the gurus. They followed a Gurukul practice in the Academy. It was a residential course where students were taught to be disciplined and diligent in their rehearsals and committed to their art.

He had always handpicked the teachers himself. Having been tutored under some of the best in the music world, Vishawasrao knew the impact that a good teacher can have on their students. It was not only the imparting of the musical sense, but the role of a guru was to help their protégés reach an elevated status through the power of music. That was probably why, he was not very sure the woman sitting in front of him was the right fit for his institute.

He swiveled in his chair as he observed her looking at him with a pair of sharp eyes. Her wiry hair was a tangled mess of grey. Her short stubby nose wrinkled when she spoke which made it appear that she was objecting to something around her. Her fingers were long and bony. She had a dry look about her which he could not relate to somebody with a love for a soft and profound art like music.

He cleared his throat before speaking.

“You say you are a singer. Do you have anything that we could hear?”

“Anything? What do you mean anything?” asked Anuradha abruptly.

“I mean a recording that we could probably hear before we could decide?” he clarified.

“Oh” said Anuradha flipping her lips “No….I don’t have anything with me now. But if you want, I can sing something for you and you can record it for your board”

“You mean sing now?” asked Vishwasrao taken aback.

“Is that a problem?” asked Anuradha

“No…I mean most people don’t feel comfortable singing anywhere and everywhere”

“I do” said Anuradha simply, shrugging her shoulders “I mean why should it be such a big deal. Singing to me is like breathing. Do we need a special time and hour to breathe?”

“No, we don’t” said Vishwasrao slowly. For the first time since Anuradha had walked into his cabin shaking the advertisement in her hand, he thought maybe his assumption of the woman’s eligibility was wrong.

“Okay, please go ahead.”

Anuradha began singing. It was about the divine and pure love of Meerabai for Lord Krishna. Whenever, Anuradha sang her whole demeanor would change. The wry look on her face would be replaced with a strange softness. It would glow with an inner peace. It was as if she got oxygen after being asphyxiated for a long time. As she always closed her eyes when she sang, she never realized the impact she had on others.

Vishwasrao was stunned by the purity and the innocence of the voice he was hearing. It had a strength and clarity that he had hardly found in any other voice. The high notes were perfectly pitched with not a single one falling out of tune. Besides, it made him want to ignore the technicalities and just be lost in the feel of the music. He could visualize the lovelorn Meera searching for her beloved. The devotee seeking the blessings of her lord. It was a surreal experience that Vishwasrao would remember forever in his life.

As Anuradha, finished she opened her eyes to see Vishwasrao sitting with his head bowed on his desk.

“Mr.Kelkar” she called  “Are you okay?”

“Yes…Yes I am fine” said Vishwasrao shaking himself out of the trance. “I ..I think that was wonderful Mrs. Sinha.”

“Please call me Anuradha” she said shaking her head.

“Of course…as you wish…so when do you think you can join us?”

“I am a free bird Mr. Kelkar. I can join any time you want me” said Anuradha feeling her heartbeat increase.

“Will tomorrow be too early?” he asked eagerly “and please call me Vishwa. Everybody calls me that here”.

“Sure…I will be here tomorrow then. Thank you Vishwa” she said as she got up to leave.

Anuradha walked out of his room with a queer sense of elation. She found the reason even more baffling. The bhajan was Alokesh’s favourite. Every time she would sing it, he would on some pretext come to hover close by, nodding his head in tune with the rhythm. He would not leave till she finished it. Today as she sung it, she could envision him again in the same posture, nodding his head with a smile. She wondered why that made her feel so happy.

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By the end of her first year, Anuradha was well- entrenched in the Institute. Sangeet Academy had welcomed her within its folds warmly. She had soon grown into a well-known and popular name in its list of faculty members. Students and teachers revered and admired her alike. Returning to her first love, music, helped bring several changes to her personal life as well. She became a more balanced, calm and congenial person. The earlier hassled and fidgety Anuradha had completely disappeared and a new, much better and matured version had emerged.

Vishwasrao Kelkar had become more a friend than just a colleague. They would go to music conferences together and discuss about the new age singers on their way back. She realized they had a lot of things in common.

The only disturbing thought that lingered in her mind was that she suspected that he wanted more from her than mere friendship. Even Raka had noticed that. Once while returning from a dinner invitation at Vishwasrao’s house she brought up the topic.

“He likes you”

“What?” said Anuradha trying to sound surprised.

“Come on Mom, don’t tell me you did not realise.”

“Raka, I don’t think this is a conversation we should even be having” she said grateful that Prabhash was not there with them. It would have been so embarrasing if Raka had brought up this topic in front of him. Knowing her daughter, she would not have been surprised if she did.

“Why not? Have you thought about this?”

“Thought about what Raka?” asked Anuradha trying to sound casual.

“About Vishwa and you?”

“There is no ‘Vishwa and me’ Raka. We are just colleagues and good friends. Yes, I like his company so we go out to attend music concerts sometimes. That’s it! There is nothing more to that and please don’t start cooking up new ideas in your head”

Raka gave her a long, hard look and turned to stare out of the window. Anuradha knew she would not leave the idea so easily. She knew her daughter had her genes. If she got something in her mind, she would not rest till she saw it to its end. She decided she had to talk to Vishwa before Raka got to him.

A week later, just as she had expected, Raka landed up at her doorstep.

“We need to talk” she said as she plopped down on the sofa.

“About what?” said Anuradha coolly as she tended to her plants in her little balcony.

“Did you speak to Vishwa?” asked Raka with narrowed eyes.

“I speak to Vishwa everyday” said Anuradha shrugging her shoulders.

“Mom you know what I am talking about?” said Raka with narrowed eyes.

Anuradha sighed as she looked up to face her daughter.

“Yes, I did” she said.

“Why?” said Raka “why did you tell him that you do not want him to have any expectations from your relationship”

“Relationship?” said Anuradha laughing “Raka you sound like a teenager who has come to counsel her friend on why not to break up with her boyfriend.”

“Mom, you know it’s not like that” said Raka angrily.

“Then what is it like Raka?” said Anuradha putting the water to boil to make tea for both of them.

“Mom, you know why I am doing this? I want you to be happy” she said pleadingly.

“And what makes you think I am not?” asked Anuradha her eyes twinkling.

“That’s the point Mom. You are happy now.I have never seen you so calm and peaceful in my life till now. Nowadays you have lost the melancholy and listless look.” she said

“And you think that is because of Vishwa?” said Anuradha handing her the tea as she sat down beside her.

“Ofcourse, what else? What Papa could not give you in 20 years, this man has given it to you in 1 year. Isn’t that amazing?” she said looking at her mother beseechingly.

Anuradha silently sipped her tea thoughtfully. She turned towards her daughter
“You know Raka, I think it is time I told you something I have never even dared reveal to myself.”

Raka stared at her mother confused.

“When I married your father, both of us were very young. When you came into our life, we received the first jolt of reality. We were rudely thrown into the real world where responsibilities demanded every inch of your focus. We had to earn our bread at a time when our friends were building their careers. Those were the bleakest days in our lives. We were lonely, helpless and scared. Unfortunately, our fear turned us against each other. We began to blame each other for this situation. It was sad, but that was the truth.
There was a time when your father also had to sell his books to get food. We had no experience so no one was willing to give us a job. Your father bore the brunt of it as I had to stay at home to take care of you. He worked double shifts and sometimes triple to make ends meet. I had to give up my singing practice as that was a luxury that we could not afford owing to paucity of time and money. You needed my full attention. I was a young mother. I did not know how to change your diapers, I did not even know how to feed you. There was nobody to show me or teach me. I had to learn it all by myself.

All through those years, I used to curse myself for my stupidity. I was like a volcano ready to burst any moment.  Your father was all I had to vent my anger on and he did the same on me. Gradually, our marriage became a boxing ring where each tried to outsmart the other and deal a below the belt punch. We somehow enjoyed that I think.”

“Well, I think you should have asked me if I liked it? I was the reluctant spectator who also had to double up as the referee most of the time” said Raka looking glum.

“Yes” said Anuradha ruffling her hair indulgently “You were our mediator, our only reason to remain within that ring and not quit despite the punches we threw at each other. For a long time, I thought you were the only reason I remained in that marriage.”

“But isn’t that true?” asked Raka

“Partly yes, you were one of the prime reasons” said Anuradha smiling “But there was something else too. I was so engrossed in everyday life, preoccupied with its mundane necessities that the subtleties escaped me completely. Today, after all these years it suddenly struck me that I was so wrong.”  

“What are you talking about Mom?” asked Raka.

“During those days when I nursed you, I would always be hungry. I remember, your father would give me half his share. I would be so hungry, I never even noticed that. In fact, I even berated him for not earning enough to give me a full meal. I hardly noticed that sometimes, he would just drink a glass of water before going to bed. I would complain that he never got up at night and helped me clean you up. But I tended to conveniently ignore that he would be up early next morning and get everything ready before leaving for work, only so that I could sleep a little longer and would have everything arranged by the time I got up. I thought then, it was his duty. However, I realise now even duties can become a chore if you don’t care enough.”

“Are you trying to say that Papa had feelings for you despite everything?” said Raka

“All I am saying is that you were not the only reason why our marriage existed despite everything. It was also us. Yes, your father did care. He did have feelings but like me, he too ignored them. “

Anuradha shook her head as she smiled wistfully.

“Over the years, I began grudging your father for everything. It became a habit with me. He became my scapegoat for everything. Whenever, anything went wrong in my life I would blame him. I knew I was being selfish, but I could not help myself. It somehow made me feel better. I knew there was somebody there who was ready to share the pain and that I am not alone in this. When your father left us, I felt helpless once again. It felt like I was back in the old days of loneliness and this time there was nobody I could blame. My scapegoat was no longer there for me. It was then that I began to miss him. There were nights when I would wake up and go round the house like a ghost calling out his name. I thought he would pop out from some room with his usual passive face and look at me from behind those black rimmed glasses which I had bought for him from my first music tuition. Did you know, he never bought a new pair to replace that? I criticized his miserly nature, but secretly I had enjoyed it.” said Anuradha sighing.

“Mom, I told you to come and stay with us.” said Raka concerned.

“I could not Raka. Every corner of this house has a bit of him in it. I am used to that. Just like arguing and bickering with him had become my habit, feeling his presence around me too had become one. I was not ready to let go of that feeling and perhaps I never will,” she said her voice reduced to a whisper.

“Oh Mom” said Raka with tears in her eyes “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t know myself” said Anuradha tears shining in her eyes too “Like I didn’t know all these years. I was blind and mute to the signs. I am sure your father was too. Atleast I got the chance to realise and rectify that. But your father was the unlucky one and had to leave before he could acknowledge it.”

Raka hugged her mother as they both wept silently.

“Then you suggested the music school.” said Anuradha “I was reluctant at first, but then I decided to give it a shot. It was probably the right thing because it made me realise that is the only way I could thank your father for everything .”

“How is that?” asked Raka

“Your father loved my singing” said Anuradha smiling to herself. “When you grew up and I had some time on my hand, I had resumed my practice. I remember, when I sat for my practice sessions, your father would come and stand outside the door listening to me. In a way he always held himself responsible for me having to give up singing. Though we never discussed it, but he was relieved when I went back to music. The first day I went to meet Vishwa, he asked me to sing a few lines . I don’t know why but I sang your father’s favourite bhajan. Midway through the song, I could feel him around me. I cannot explain it to you Raka, but I can tell you he was there. Like all the other times, he was there till I finished my song and then he left. Since then I could feel him in all my music classes. It seems to give my music a new dimension. You may think I have lost my mind, but believe me Raka I have never been so sure of myself as now.”

“Mom” whispered Raka.

“Music is the only way I can thank your father for all that he has done for me. I am sure, most of the time, he wasn’t even aware of what he was doing. But whatever little he did, I never acknowledged it then. But I can now. Let me tell him that I do love him for everything. Please Raka let me do this my way.”

“But Vishwa?” asked Raka

“Vishwa is a very good friend Raka” said Anuradha smiling at her daughter “And he knows that too. There can never be anything more than that between us.

 “And I thought you hated Papa all your life?” Raka looked at her mother and laughed.

“So did I, until Love came calling” laughed Anuradha as she got up to make another cup of tea for both of them.

Photo by Fatmanur Küçükçakır from Pexels